Taurus: Treat yourself to a bagel today. You know where to find them. Just don’t tell anyone where you got it.
Gemini: Known for your two-faced nature and lack of willingness to find one aesthetic and stick to it, you’re usually the butt of the joke in all horoscope-related satire. Not this time. Luckily for you, the author of this prediction is a Scorpio, so they understand what it’s like to have so many haters for literally no reason. Today will be fine, probably.
Cancer: You may wake up
Leo: I̷̧̛̪̦̥̘͇̥̖͖͉̫̺͂́͆́̃̈́̈̂̀̓̚̚͝͝ͅ’̷̛̩̂̐͗̽̅̀̈́̽̆m̴̪͕͐̀̿͋̓̌͛̀͛͂̀̕̚̕ ̷̢͍̗͍̟̟̗̫̭̱̖̜̗͋̏͐̎͒̅͐͐̍̆̚̚̚͠ͅͅį̴̦͙͙̠̺͚̥͉͓̝̈́n̸̨̞̙̺̻̬̭͚̳̲̠͖̭̈͆͐̿̓͜͝ͅ ̴̢̩͓͙̤͎̪̼̭̪̥̃̈̉̎́͐̃͛͌̾̾̔͠͝y̴̛̩̫̘͚͍̋͗͂̀̑̿̽̓͑̚͝o̵͖̮̼͇͈̽̎̓̈̀̒̒̿̔͆͆́̈́̂͠ų̷̢̢͚̣͖̙̮́͆̐͊͂̍r̷̡͒̈́̋͑̓̈̈̒͛̔͝ ̶̢̡̝̮̼̝̫̜͙͆̒͒͒̃̾̋̄w̵̡̠̞͕͈̼͔͓̜̍̆̑͘a̷̹̻̅͋̓̈́̾̒̿͠͝l̸̮̗̝̾̍̽͐͂̉̀͌̈́̑l̴̡̛̛̦͙̙̠͓̜̣͈͔̞̋̽͂̏͌ş̸̪͓̟̱̰̮͚̙̯̰̘̬̘̎̈́͑́͛̏̚͜ ̸͚̯͇̹͖̆̇͝ͅͅ
Virgo: Not sure if you’re aware of this, Virgo, but your coworkers know about the extensive bagel collection you have been hoarding in your desk drawers. In fact, if you’re wondering if the number of bagels seems smaller than normal, it’s because your coworkers have been stealing and eating them behind your back. Unfortunately, you have no evidence of the previous statement except for this horoscope. You can fight this bagel injustice if you want, but the stars say it might not go well for you.
Libra: Hey Libra, great outfit! Unfortunately, you will slip and fall on a banana peel today. There is nothing you can do about it, and your clothes will smell like banana peels for the rest of the day. Sorry.
Scorpio: People will say that Scorpios are intimidating and mysterious, but they just can’t handle the sheer amount of swag and incredible vibes you possess. To really send this message, buy an old van and spray-paint a sick-ass cool wizard on the side of it. It’s free, and the cops can’t stop you.
Sagittarius: You’re the prankster of the Zodiac signs. A real silly goofy guy. Do you know what would be hilarious? Eat a bunch of bananas, like, a lot, and then just leave the peels out everywhere. If you know an Aries or a Libra, line their driveway and sidewalk with banana peels. Just trust the stars with this one.
Capricorn: The government doesn’t want you to know this, but you can actually fit about 300-500 pizza rolls in your dryer. You can cook 500 times the amount of pizza rolls in your dryer as you normally would in your microwave. What you do with this information is up to you, but the writer of this horoscope is simply channeling this message from the stars and therefore is not liable for any damage.
Aquarius: Gaslighting is never okay. Unless you’ve been slowly and secretly stealing bagels from your coworkers’ desk, which is already filled to the brim with bagels. They have more than enough! What’s one bagel, right? Anyway, they’re starting to get suspicious, and they’re closing in on you. Just keep telling them you don’t know what they’re talking about and buy a mini vacuum to keep your desk free of crumbs.
Pisces: Tonight would be a good night to switch up your bedtime routine. Consider the hot new trend of wearing a nightgown and a little pointy hat to bed instead of the usual pajama pants and t-shirt. For an extra slice of authenticity, be sure to carry a candle around on a little plate. You may notice that your snore will sound like this: “Honk, shoo, honk, shoo, honk, shoo.” This is a sign of restful sleep, so don’t worry.