Flawless villain enters the scene

Resident Evil’s sexy vampire stakes the stage

Sexy vampire lady takes the world by storm.
Illustration: Tatianna Dubose · The Sentry

The Resident Evil series is known for its grotesque monsters and terrifying settings. However, this time around Lady Alcina Dimitrescu takes the role of a vampire villain, despite having flawless skin, luscious black hair, and glittering red lips. That is correct, the next villain is a rich MILF, and these are the reasons she would make the best wife for any sane person.

First, the Lady is nine feet six inches tall, meaning not only could she reach the things on the tallest shelves, but she could also carry the vast majority of the population like a little purse dog. Anyone would feel safe in their vampire wife’s arms as she skewers her enemies with her retractable claws. Not only that, but her stacks of money are almost as tall as herself. Anyone would kill to live in a European castle in the lap of luxury itself, and would if it meant being with Alcina. She would protect her lover, keep them in wealth, and the mere sight of her is a privilege itself. These reasons and more are why Lady Alcina Dimitrescu would make the best wife and why it is homophobic Capcom is making a horror game instead of a dating simulator.

April fools.
This is a selection from the March 31 issue. To view the full issue, visit: https://online.flippingbook.com/view/398706898/