Let’s be honest about turkey

Thanksgiving turkey is not good, admit it

It’s okay to finally admit that Turkey is the worst Thanksgiving food.
Illustration: Rigby Guerrero · The Sentry

First of all, this article is going to upset people–upset them far more than should. For some reason, people devote far more emotional investment to this topic than it deserves. So, second of all, it should be known that turkey can actually be pretty good when used properly.

For example, a turkey sandwich. Turkey panini. Turkey burger. Ground turkey is an excellent substitute for ground beef when making tacos because it tastes the same once it’s loaded up with cumin, chili powder, and herbs, among other things. However, this isn’t an article about tacos, it’s about turkey, and who the hell ever thought it was a good idea to eat one whole god damn turkey?

No one ever looked at a bushel of wheat and thought, “Yo, heat that up, and let’s eat it exactly as it is.” No, they made bread. Even once they made bread, no one enjoys eating just bread, it’s gotta be loaded up with butter or cheese or jam or maybe even turkey. So, what the hell makes it acceptable to pluck a turkey’s feathers and, simply, toss that thing in an oven?

Now all the pro turkey degenerates probably have a pathetic little smirk on their face, a childish little grin. They’re probably thinking, “aha oh, no no, one does not simply toss a turkey in the oven. For, you see, my uncle/mother/great aunt Lily has the most exquisite Thanksgiving turkey recipe which Jesus himself returned to earth to bestow upon my family.” 

Then they always say this next part like they are the only people in the whole world who know what seasoning is, “you see, when we make turkey, we treat the bird-like an oil tycoon in a happy ending massage parlor.” They go on and on about how many hours they spend rubbing some supposedly impressive seasoning mixture into the thing, then they probably shove a couple of lemons up its butt with the stuffing, and then they toss it in the oven. And, you know what? The skin of that turkey probably tastes pretty good. But as soon as that surface layer is all gone and eaten, there’s still several remaining pounds of inner meat–which tastes the same as it would without the hours of preparation—lingering there on the middle of the table. (Those lemons aren’t doing a damn thing). Just soggy white meat. Because the other thing about turkey is, it doesn’t get tender like other meats. The cooks either going to make it dry as hell or go to some great length to trap the moisture in, in which case it will have this subtle kind of wetness to it. Like damp tofu.

Really, the root of the problem is that someone decided to model the big American food holiday after the Puritans—the blandest population of people in human history. Here’s some advice, don’t ever eat anything recommended by a guy whose hat has a buckle on it. Try some ham this Thanksgiving, the flavor is much better.

This is a selection from the Nov. 18 issue. To view the full issue, visit: https://online.flippingbook.com/view/317848/

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