PSA: Stop Having Kids

Photo: April Kinney · The Sentry
This message is *NOT* sponsored by the Dumb Friends League or The National Society of Pets First

Kids Are Out, Dogs Are In

“Kids are bad. They’re evil, unnecessary little spawns of genetic selfishness. That is a science fact.” Who said this? Bill Nye. That’s right—the science guy. The days of fantasizing about little junior trekking up the front porch steps of a three story suburban Pinterest home are over. They should have been over a long time ago; nay, they never should have existed. Why exactly, I hear all the sentimental, biologically enslaved homo sapiens ask?

For starters, it’s selfish. The idea that a mother and father need to splice their ancestral pants together for a nice little manifestation of themselves is only justified by the selfish expectation that a child must be genetically theirs. Guess how many orphans there are in the world? Over 150 million according to UNICEF. And yet somehow, a first world couple is going to toss that tragic reality aside to just pop out another Dylan or Grace, train them how to depressingly materialistic, wasteful, and somehow miraculously able to still make themselves a victim of their apparently tragic lives. But don’t worry, they’ll move out, establish a self-proclaimed and short-lived endorsement by Burnett’s Peach Vodka before realizing the toll on their liver is nearly outweighing their existential crisis on what to contribute in a world with so many Dylan’s and Grace’s, and finally settle with a suitable mate accustomed to the same first world ideals as them and start the entire process anew.

Have these eager parental horndogs ever considered a cuter, more affectionate, and far less expensive alternative—the canis lupus all-too-familiaris? Of course not. Strangely enough, domesticated dogs exist because of generations of human directed inbreeding of wolves, and now there’s an entire species of perky-eared good boys who just want to play catch in a park and give more love than the entire collective human race knows what to do with. But no, what’s so great about an animal that’s infinitely more adorable, costs less, and gives more affection than even The Buddha’s reincarnation could muster as a human baby? There’s just something so appealing about taking care of a multi-million dollar organism that wakes up crying in the middle of the night just as many times as it gets its ass wiped.

Seriously—there are nearly 8 billion people on this planet, why create another massive eco footprint for an already dangerously overcrowded welcome mat? Children are the tragic irony that strips away the very activity it took to get them here. So before the coital excitement of every living organism gestates into baby fever, maybe reevaluate the long term consequences. And if there really is a need to take care of a little creature, which is, by all fronts, biologically understandable, do the world a favor—get a dog.

April Fools.