CU Denver adopts new mascot

Illustration: Coleman Conley · The Sentry Students can visit the new Milo as he prowls the downtown campus.

Illustration: Coleman Conley · The Sentry
Students can visit the new Milo as he prowls the downtown campus.
Milo is now a real lynx cat, no longer a person in a costume 

The CU Denver chancellor has finally caved to angry students, jealous that CU Boulder gets a real life buffalo animal as its mascot and CSU gets a real life ram, demanding they get their own real and living animal to roam our downtown campus. The lynx was shipped here from Canada and will live with the head of the psychology department, though she describes the animal as an “outdoor cat.” There is some concern among student groups that the quantum physics professor is some threat to the living Milo… 

…You know what, I can’t do this. It’s a jungle cat, get it? It’s funny because it’s a cat and it’s real and the head of the psychology department is a crazy cat lady and the physics teacher might kill it because of the Schrödinger’s cat experiment. HAHAHA. It’s an April fools’ article, it’s just one big old joke. OK? This is like the sixth funny article you guys have made write, I can’t just be funny for you every single second of the G*d D**m day! I’m trying to become a respected journalist right now! I get it though, it’s April Fools! Haha, do you feel like a fool yet? Do you feel like a F**k**g idiot? You know what? Maybe this year the biggest April fool’s joke is the joke on society… Look at us, we’re in shambles, we’re crumbling, we’re falling apart. All the old people are dying and you haven’t even talked to your grandma on the phone, you just sent her a heart emoji in a text message. There is no cat, there is no real lynx mascot, we’re not even at school. We’re all just cooped up inside talking about social isolation this, social isolation that. Tips to get us through social isolation, celebrities singing songs to get us through the toppling of the power structure. “Netflix and quarantine”? How about Netflix and READ A BOOK! It’s called literature, ever heard of it? I’m moving to Yukon. 

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