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Daily Archives: April 1, 2020

Disney sues U.S. Government for copyright infringement

White House can’t repel litigation of that magnitude  The Walt Disney Company has sued the U.S. government after plans for an orbiting space station were acquired and released by WikiLeaks.  In a statement from Disney’s attorneys, the U.S. government had blatantly copied the design of the iconic Death Star from the Star Wars franchise. Characteristics such

PSA: Stop Having Kids

Kids Are Out, Dogs Are In  “Kids are bad. They’re evil, unnecessary little spawns of genetic selfishness. That is a science fact.” Who said this? Bill Nye. That’s right—the science guy. The days of fantasizing about little junior trekking up the front porch steps of

Astrology girls around the world: “I told you so.”

An apology to the backbone of society “I told you so,” said Mihkeighlah Moonstone, resident astrology girl on the CU Denver campus, echoing the sentiments expressed by every other quirky, Co-Star addicted hippie in the world. “The vibes were off.”  Yes, Mihkeighlah, the vibes were off. Something

Should the Auraria Geese have rights?

the goose-iarchy is taking over Opinion by Frankie Spiller “My father was killed by a goose.”  This is Irene Güsehater. She sits in front of her father’s grave. The day is cold, but the souls of geese are colder. They honk in the distance, tauntingly. She

Mass weather-related protests erupt in front of capitol

Anti-weatherists chant “Down with weather” Saturday morning  “I’m not really sure what they want us to do,” says government official Ms. Rainn Weatherby. She refers to the protesters outside the capital, climbing the steps and chanting “Down with weather!” continuously. “That’s really not under our jurisdiction.” 

Amanda Blackman’s Dark Place

Ghost adventures Do you believe in ghosts? My best friend does, my husband doesn’t, and I’m in the middle. But that’s not what matters here. What matters is that husband took my friend and I on a once in a lifetime trip to one of

2020 is the reckoning Papa John was talking about

All hail the Pizza King   Move over Raven Simone: Papa John is the new pop culture clairvoyant. In November 2019, Papa John’s founder John Schnatter (who, for clarity, will only be called Papa John for the remainder of this article) said in an interview, “Stay tuned. The

CU Denver adopts new mascot

Milo is now a real lynx cat, no longer a person in a costume  The CU Denver chancellor has finally caved to angry students, jealous that CU Boulder gets a real life buffalo animal as its mascot and CSU gets a real life ram, demanding they get

Sports canceled, dads confused

Fathers around the globe come out of hiding Due to the increasingly serious Coronavirus pandemic sweeping the globe, sports have decided to skip this season and lay low while everyone else gets sick. This has created some unintended consequences, one of which being the dads