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Monthly Archives: April 2019

Christ returns for the Second Coming. In Portland.

Christ seen sampling IPAs Last week, on the Spring Solstice in the year of our lord 2019, exclusive inside sources reported that our lord, savior and Messiah, Jesus Christ, has returned to the Earth for the long-awaited Second Coming. The soles of His holy feet

Another brick in the wall

Touchy-Feely Politics Democrats apparently can’t agree if sniffing someone’s hair is creepy. Former candidate for Nevada Lt. Governor, Lucy Flores, claimed in a piece for The Cut that at a political rally she attended with Joe Biden in 2014, the former Vice President approached her

Campus squirrels under fire for student harassment

Squirrels insist they need to use campus facilities too In recent months, the Auraria Police Department has been receiving an excess amount of phone calls regarding students being harassed by the squirrels present on campus. Students claim they often fear for their safety walking between

PETA outraged over use of dinosaurs in Jurassic World

Spielberg issues response People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has taken to Twitter, yet again, in an outrage that is now directed toward the creators of the Jurassic World franchise. “To exploit these poor defenseless dinos in such a violent and abusive manner