Undercover

Down with sound!

After a year of writing and editing about the subject, I must confess that I’m just not that into music. I’ve never understood what people get out of it.

I’ve been to my fair share of concerts, and I’ve even owned a few CD’s in my time. I’m not really crazy about the stuff.

If I have the option to listen to music or sit in silence, I prefer the silence. It’s kind of overstimulating when you just hear the beat fall at the exact same time, over and over again. Can someone say predictable? I like to live my life with spontaneity and adventure, and I’ve never heard a piece of music and though this makes me feel alive, this makes me feel human.

In all honesty, I think human beings made some kind of mistake somewhere along the way to cultural maturity. I want to throw the first drums and lyres into a big bonfire so that we can all live in peace. If I never had to hear another song again, I could die a happy man.

Everyone’s thinking it, but I’m gonna go out and say it like it is. We don’t need music as a species. Do birds have music? Do monkeys have music? Do crickets? Why are we lagging behind the cultural curve?

Nothing good has ever come of music. I mean it’s not like music has ever played a part in a cultural revolution, bumper stickers do that and that’s been proven by science. Science has also proven that music can be bad for a child in the womb. Music is one way to ensure violent protest.

I personally played George Michaels to my cactus, Fellini, and it brought it so close to death that I had to start watering again. It also killed a lizard of mine when I was a child, although my mom still insists that that’s because I kept taking it outside in the winter. Still, she’s one of those rare music defenders.

If I were president, my first act would be to ban music outright, even whistling. If you’d like to join the cause, meet me outside the King Center this Sunday for a protest of their wicked ways.

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