Tivoli opens new tunnels connecting it directly to DIA

*Sadly, planes won’t be landing at Tivoli.*
Photo: John Mazzetta · The Sentry

Get to the airport faster and more demonically

Sick of the usual attractions in Colorado being packed with tourists and transplants? Well, this Saturday, in a collaborative project with Denver International Airport, the Tivoli Student Union is finally unveiling its long-awaited exclusive Illuminati tunnel system, which will connect directly to DIA.

Between the bicyclists and joggers at the highly radioactive Rocky Flats Wildlife Refuge, and the waves of spring break partiers breaking into the abandoned Titan-I nuclear missile silos, locals are left wondering if there are any surviving refuges where they can still go to experience the raw, untouched beauty of Colorado.

Fortunately, the attraction is highly exclusive and will be open to a very select few groups of individuals, so no worries about waiting in long lines or dealing with tourists ruining selfies. Denver’s long-standing community of Freemasons, politicians, wealthy international businesspeople, and leaders of foreign governments will feel especially welcome, as there are very few—if any—local attractions that currently cater to such a niche demographic of Denverites.

The centerpiece and highlight of the tunnel is perhaps its glorious 1:2.5 scale replica of the Bohemian Grove, complete with its sacrificial altar.

“When I heard the news of the new attraction, I was pretty stoked!” a DIA employee said. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in the middle of performing an initiation ritual or a human sacrifice thinking, ‘Oh man, I sure would love a delicious Helles Lager from the Tivoli right about now.’ Well now, I finally can!”

For Denver residents, the nine-mile tunnel will also be surprisingly affordable. Admission into the exhibit only costs $2.72 million and your soul or, for VIP members, just your soul.

When asked what he hopes visitors can hope to gain from the new attraction, the main architect behind the project, Lord Lucindius Emeritus, told reporters at the Denver Post: “Annuit cœptis. Novus Ordo Seclorum.”

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