New guinea pig restaurant opens in Denver

All guinea pigs are served with fresh vegetables. Photo courtesy of RSPCA NSW

All guinea pigs are served with fresh vegetables.
Photo courtesy of RSPCA NSW
Serves the best local guinea pigs

The newly opened guinea pig restaurant in Denver is a sad chapter in human history but a great moment for guinea pig culture. Ever since PETA took over the federal government and issued animal-friendly everything, humans in this great country have been playing second fiddle to animals, guinea pigs in particular. Who knew that the creators of South Park were so prophetic in the episode “Pandemic”? However, this restaurant is a dining experience like no other, as it caters to our furry friends and future overlords. 

For an astonishingly high price and confusingly long waiting time, you can dress up your guinea pig and give them the fine-dining experience they deserve for all the years humans domesticated them and confined them to cages. Complete with a miniature maîtred’, guinea pigs are served from a menu with dried pet food á la carte, vegetable bisque, and anything imaginable, except guinea pig meat—that would be animal cruelty.

Most guests had a pleasant experience, as did Kourtney White of Boulder, Colorado. Kourtney and her three proudly unvaccinated children brought their guinea pig, Che, to the restaurant for an evening of exquisite atmosphere and matchless cuisine. “This was better than when we threw a backyard birthday party for our dog, Nikita,” Kourtney White said. Many customers felt the same enthusiasm as White did, since pet worship has been on the rise recently, making this restaurant a great bonding opportunity for pet owners and their friends with a life expectancy of four to eight years.           

This reporter was introduced to the owner who stated he was applying to have the restaurant shown on Animal Planet but keeps getting asked by Guy Fieri to be featured on the eight-quadrillionth season of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Surprisingly, Rachael Ray showed up to ask the owner if he would like to be featured on her program, to which he replied, “Come back when you’re Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg.”

It is ridiculous that Kourtney White had to pay $140 for her meal, but it only costs $10 to buy a guinea pig.


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