Guy Fieri re-elected as mayor of Flavortown

Illustration courtesy of Louie Chin for Firstwefeast.com

Illustration courtesy of Louie Chin for Firstwefeast.com
A gangster event for a gangster dude 

Re-elected for his 18th term as mayor of Flavortown, Guy Fieri continues his savory rule of his hometown. Mayor Fieri won the popular vote of cheering loudly, as well as an addition to his repertoire by winning the Taste-Off competition.

Representing the Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives party, the party has remained in office since Mayor Fieri’s first term. Members of the Actual Good Food party are coming to terms with another crippling loss, keeping candidate Alton Brown from the Flavortown Hall.

Mayor Fieri’s campaign centered around giving iconic foods a home in Flavortown. He promised residents of Flavortown that he would continue to maintain the pizza manhole covers throughout the town while continuing to control the lunch menu for all Flavortown County Public Schools, from Deep-Fried High to Munchies Middle School.

For non-natives to Flavortown, the election process may seem a bit unorthodox. While there are the “campaigning” activities for Flavortown Mayoral candidates, the true election boils down to the Taste-Off competition. All candidates must cook a communal meal to feed all Flavortown residents, who then choose their mayor by seeing who can cheer the loudest for whose meal they thought was most representative of Flavortown’s key values: high caloric value, being able to shove the entire food into the mouth, and no vegetables unless they are fried.

All citizens of Flavortown are required to fill out a paper ballot. Ballots are printed on napkins, which are then not counted but used for cleaning the greasy fingers after the Taste-Off. In short, votes don’t matter but cheering does.

Before the coveted Taste-Off, Mayor Fieri campaigned throughout Flavortown. Along the way, Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives party supporters arrived to rallies with his signature campaign merch: thick-rimmed white sunglasses and Ed Hardy button downs.

“Last year’s food by Mayor Fieri really sealed the deal in securing my vote for him,” one rally goer said. “That Mac Daddy’s Mac & Cheese was the purest embodiment of the values of Flavortown.” The rally goers chanted Mayor Fieri’s campaign slogan, “We’re riding the bus to Flavortown!” into the night.

This year, Mayor Fieri faced steep competition during the Taste-Off competition. He squared up against Actually Good Food party candidate Alton Brown. During the Taste-Off, Fieri prepared a never-before-seen dish: Trash Can Nachos. Served in a mountainous stack of chips, queso, and meat all plated in easy-to-transport buckets, Brown’s Best Ever Green Bean Casserole paled in comparison. In the end, Flavortown residents cheered louder for Fieri, officially securing his 18th term as Mayor of Flavortown.

Critics of Mayor Fieri have been vocal regarding their concerns to Flavortown’s leader.

“What is Guy Fieri?” a member of the Actual Good Food party asks. “We have no data. Is he a chef? Is he a critic? Or could he be a figment of our collective imagination, caused by eating the foods he gives us?”

No matter what Guy Fieri is, he is undeniably one thing: the reigning ruler of Flavortown, who will most likely serve his people until the deep-fryers in the sky call him home.

 

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