Christ returns for the Second Coming. In Portland.

Christ seen at Portland brewery. Photo: courtesy of Clem Onojeghuo/Unsplash

Christ seen sampling IPAs
Christ seen at Portland brewery.
Photo: courtesy of Clem Onojeghuo/Unsplash

Last week, on the Spring Solstice in the year of our lord 2019, exclusive inside sources reported that our lord, savior and Messiah, Jesus Christ, has returned to the Earth for the long-awaited Second Coming.

The soles of His holy feet first blessed the virgin soils of Samaria at dawn on the Sabbath, sources say. But immediately upon descending, the redeemer of the sins of mankind immediately booked a flight to Portland, Oregon on His iPhone.

“I mean, I watched the sky crack open, and I saw Him descend from the heavens. But then I could just hear Him on the phone with Travelocity. It’s like, why couldn’t He have just descended straight into Portland, y’know?” said Elohim Jackson, who is believed to be the only eyewitness to the event.

When Jackson heard the Savior of the Righteous say He was going to Portland, he immediately called the Catholic Church of Portland to notify them. Father Fernugus, the priest, was able to track Christ’s flight and attempted to intercept Him at PDX airport. “It took me ages to locate Him. When I finally found Him, He was at a brewery by the gate drinking an IPA and telling another fellow traveler about His signed collection of Brand New albums.”

He remarked, “Oh, and His hair was in a bun, and He was not wearing His traditionally recognizable white tunic. And His beard looked noticeably unkempt, even by the standards of 2,000 years ago.”

When Father Fernugus approached Him, hoping to bring Him along to his church, the Bread of Life and beloved son of God simply replied, “Hey bro, wanna see a magic trick?” before transforming a glass of water into a hoppy IPA and offering it to the priest.

Others have made similarly heartfelt but unsuccessful attempts to remind the Good Shepherd why He has returned to the Earth. One Janet McCormick, a devout Catholic from south Portland, recalls running into the Lamb of God at a local indie show at the White Owl Social Club on 8th Ave.

McCormick recalls, “He brought a guitar and kept playing covers of The Decemberists’ songs to everyone at the bar. The only reason I could tell it was even Him was because of the massive stigmata holes in the palms of His hands and His strong Aramaic accent. Oh yeah, and He absolutely reeked of frankincense, myrrh, and Pabst Blue Ribbon.”

Similarly, the owner of Exiled Records says that Holy Alpha and Omega comes in every Saturday and spends hours browsing through the used 45s. “Honestly, I know it’s Him. I know that dude’s freaking Jesus. We all know. But He keeps trying to convince us that He’s not Jesus. We don’t really get it.”

In an effort to show the Author and Perfecter of our Good Faith why He was sent back to the land of sin and impermanence, a small group of Portlanders—priests, pastors, Christians, lawyers, investors, and others—have organized a coalition aimed at locating and capturing Christ so that they may bring about eternal salvation for the saved.

Currently, the Oregon Bureau of Investigation has named Him in its top 10 most wanted list.


April Fools’ content

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *