Undercover

Hail Mary

Don’t ever ask yourself the question: how will I survive after college? The fit of terror, anxiety, and depression that follows won’t do you any favors. Monday night, I lay in bed, wondering how the hell I was going to pay the rent when I graduated in May. Up to this point, I’ve been using educational funds, but when my education is finishes, so will my funding.

I’ve been down this path before. Three years ago, I fell into a spiral of self-doubt that turned into agoraphobia that turned into five failed courses over the course of the school year. When I finally removed myself from the situation, I was able to take a new lease on life and come back to school with more zeal than I’d ever had before. Still, the repercussions are long lasting. This failed semester’s worth of courses is the reason I don’t have enough left in my college fund for grad school, the reason I’ll have a harder time finding a job, and the reason I’m scared shitless of that first day in summer without the safety net.

There is a job opening at CPR that I’ve been debating applying for. Taking the job would mean quitting my current employment and possibly moving to Greeley. Besides, I told myself, you won’t have enough experience until you finish the job you’d have to quit. I’ve decided to throw my hat in the ring. My chances of getting the position are slim, sure, but if I don’t try my chances are non-existent.

When I’d finally lifted myself from the abyss, I felt like praying to the Mother Mary. I’m not Christian. I just think I need to believe in a world that’s willing to nurture its inhabitants.

When we spend all our time worrying about the future, about the challenges and opportunities we may or may not have, we forget to stare the present in the face. The opportunities of today might pass us by as we’re curled up in the fetal position worried about the ones we’re unsure of tomorrow. Just maybe, the present has some otherworldly influence on the future. For the time being, the best I can do is hope.