Will anyone read this: yes or no?

Nope not a single reader anymore

Generally, people don’t read anymore for many reasons. No one understands the Constitution when they read it, no one cares what Apple’s Terms and Conditions have to say, and everyone already heard the abridged version of the Bible. Why would anyone want to read for fun, when there’s homework to be done and social lives to uphold?

Readers will not read this because they have no motivation to. The CU Denver Sentry is a student-run newspaper that is circulated among the staff’s families and friends. No one finds anything worthwhile to read inside it, because any information can be accessible through Google.

Even then, people don’t read news to stay informed nowadays; instead, people read newspapers to affirm their own biases. Unfortunately, the editors of the CU Denver Sentry refuse to sacrifice its journalistic integrity just to ramp up viewership. This of course, only lowers the chances of obtaining any readers of this piece.

Even if other journalists have extraordinary jokes to tell in this April Fool’s issue, this specific debate is completely devoid of controversy, humor, or usefulness. The only reason why this article is supposed to be funny is because the debaters are taking this seriously. That’s the joke. No one has any reason to read it, and why would they when they have other interesting books to pursue and devour.

Now that the most concrete part of the argument has been wasted, this specific writer will have trouble filling it up with 350 words. It’s already difficult enough breaking the fourth wall without deviating from third person. This honesty should dissuade readers from reading further, because this means this argument will only go downhill.

Since there are approximately 100 words left, this will be an attempted conclusion. No one will read this primarily because there is no reason to. This particular article is completely worthless, disorganized, and boring. The CU Denver Sentry’s strong lack of readership doesn’t help either. If any readers have made to the end of this article, the Sentry congratulates them for wasting their time.

People still read newspapers

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody’s around to hear it, does it make a sound? Intuitively, any logical mind would say yes. However, if an article is published in a newspaper that no one cares about, does it get read? No, of course not. It’s a terrible analogy. Yet readers will continue on to see if it will cumulate to a rational point, even after reading the preceding sentence that already admits it doesn’t.

Humans are innately curious. If there’s any literature available to a literate mind, somebody is bound to pick it up and read it. True, the CU Denver Sentry might not have a large following as The New York Times or the Washington Post, but that doesn’t mean the school newspaper completely lacks readers.

Even if readers do not find reading newspapers an extraordinary hobby, eyes will still be attracted to this debate. Due to reverse psychology, there will be some readers who will read this entire article out of spite. The world is a bitter and unforgiving arena, and disillusionment is stronger for Millennials in college. If they can’t deal with the universe, at the very least they have their pride in proving this article wrong.

There are other incentives available that gravitates readers toward this particular article. This is the April Fool’s satire issue, and the audience is expecting numerous witty puns and hilarious quips. Obviously this debate is more pointless than humorous, the opposition states their agreement in that. However, the audience doesn’t know that until they actually open the newspaper and read this section.

Luckily, the Forum section is in the first couple pages. Like real estate, the probability of readers viewing this article is dependent on location. That greatly enhances this side of the argument.

By now this part of the argument is horrendously stale due to repetition. Fortunately, the word limit is coming up, so this will be the final paragraph. In summary, readers will be tempted to read this due to human characteristics such as spitefulness and curiosity.

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