CD REVIEW // Maroon 5

Every Song Ever Written by Maroon 5 // Call the Cops Inc.

Since its inception in 2001,  pop-rock band Maroon 5 has released five studio albums about love, sex, and relationships. Fans of the band can now enjoy every song they’ve ever written at the same time on their newest album Every Song Ever Written By Maroon 5.

Though the beginning is a bit discordant and understandably horrible, the sound starts to come together around the 15 second mark. The lyrics are completely unintelligible, which serves as a nice reprieve from Levine’s signature nasal tone.

Strangely, around one minute into the cacophony, the appalling din starts to fade into the background. Carmichael can be heard between inharmonious chords, tunelessly singing disconnected phrases such as “please help us,” “we’re trapped,” and “Adam Levine has us locked in a recording studio.”

This can only be explained as happenstance, and gives the album an air of mystique and urgency without taking away from the truly terrible sound.

The end of the hot mess of an album shrinks down to the last few seconds of “Secret,” the band’s longest song. Levine’s barely tolerable voice sings “everyone has a secret, but can they keep it? Oh no, they can’t.”

Well, there’s no secret here—Maroon 5 has released yet another album which is sure to be a smash hit among both teen girls and women in their mid-30s despite how unbelievably awful it is. Kudos to you, Levine. You’ve got the whole world brainwashed.

Gem Sheps
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