Trump’s trivia induced catharsis

Illustration: Owen Swallow · The Sentry

Illustration: Owen Swallow · The Sentry President Trump suffers existential crisis after watching a game show.
Trump renounces himself as President after playing Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader ?

“I’ve made a huge mistake,” Trump said earlier this morning at what he thought was The State of The Union Address for 2020, “maybe the biggest mistake in the history of mistakes… ever.” It was—in fact—a large birthday party for a 9 year old at Casa Bonita. Still, he continued on with his confession as people gathered around.  

“This pres-‘preshiency’… has been less cool than I had previously imagined,” he began, “and you know, I think, maybe, crooked Hillary should have told me about how lame this whole thing would be. I would have done that for her—believe me. Believe me, I would have, cause I’m a good person.”  

One of his Aids explained he had recently discovered Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader and began noticing shifts in his behaviorrarely insulting minorities, an alarming lack of finger waving—“it’s like the megalomaniac in him was replaced by this emotionally eager child,” his Aid said    

“‘The rabbit ran to the cafeteria and ate a big salad.’ There are three nouns in that sentence… three nouns—a lot of people don’t know this,” Trump said. He went on to list several common questions from the game in a rarely seen tone of deep, profound self-reflection in the restaurant 

“I’ve learned a thing or two about his speech patterns,” his Aid continued, “pretty much anytime he says ‘people don’t know’ he’s really just expressing a recent revelation of his own—it’s come up a lot after discovering the trivia game.”  

“Don’t get me wrong, America, it’s been a more funner time getting to bail out some of my favorite corporations than that time I knocked Biden out of his golf cart with my swing. But I think this whole thing just isn’t for me.” As Trump stood there, Casa Bonita patrons all claimed he teared up. “Just remember… the Ostrich is the fastest bird on foot.”    

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