Sports canceled, dads confused
Fathers around the globe come out of hiding
Due to the increasingly serious Coronavirus pandemic sweeping the globe, sports have decided to skip this season and lay low while everyone else gets sick. This has created some unintended consequences, one of which being the dads of the world crawling out of their dreary man-caves and into the sunlight to spend more time with their families.
“There are more children here than I remember having. They seem nice,” says local dad, Jerry Normalman. He sits on the living room couch, half-watching Spongebob Squarepants on the television while his three children work on painting his nails. Mr. Normalman is one of many dads across the globe acclimating to their new sports-less environment. The happy screams of children echo up and down the street while middle-aged men desperately try to teach them how to play baseball to gain some semblance of normality. Alas, they realize their children will never have the talent they see on their favorite teams.
While this phenomenon has held positive connotations for many households, not everyone is happy. Reports from ESPN say that, in their absence, family bonding time has increased 300%. Head chairman of the sports-board, Mr. Sportsman, has said, “This could mean bad news for the company. Less dads watching in the future means less profit.” Sportsman worries about the future of sports in general, although admittedly has never played one himself. He is one example of every person that has watched ESPN at any point in time.
Sports ball will not be rolling around this year. However, will it ever roll around again? Once the dads, like Normalman, find out their families are actually pretty nice, sports could end entirely. The question must be asked, are they even worth bringing back? Already, fathers have ditched the television and picked up the foam swords. These accounts point to no.