Should the Auraria Geese have rights?

Illustration: Carter Klassen · The Sentry

the goose-iarchy is taking over

Opinion by Frankie Spiller

“My father was killed by a goose.”

This is Irene Güsehater. She sits in front of her father’s grave. The day is cold, but the souls of geese are colder. They honk in the distance, tauntingly. She is just one of the many victims of the beasts that roam the campus grounds, and the world.

The Auraria Campus is a place of diversity and culture, but the only culture geese bring to the table is one of theft and ankle-biting. Harmless folks like Irene should not have to walk the same halls as those that seek to steal her hard-earned bread. Not only is it cruel and unusual punishment against the innocent, it is also showing the youths of the world that this disgusting goose-like behavior is acceptable in a professional environment.

This campus must take a stand and say no. No more ankle biting. No more ludicrous honks at people walking to class. No more pooping on the sidewalk like animals. The government of this great city of Denver have gone against the wills of the people and instead banned adorable pit bulls, yet they allow the menaces of geese-kind roam free. This behavior is not acceptable in any other person, and therefore these flying feathered turkey-look-alike rodents must be held to the same standards or banished from planet Earth entirely.

Those who are geese-sympathizers are no better than their feathered counterparts. How are students, staff, and faculty meant to go about their lives in peace when they have to hold their breaths when they walk past a gaggle? Or step in the slimy excrement these devils leave behind? The campus, and the world government, must say down with the tyrannical goose-iarchy!

the geese are misunderstood, fun creatures

Opinion by Taylor “Kat” Goodman

Students at CU Denver may have noticed a large amount of anti-goose slander recently. This slander is usually applied to the resident Canadian Geese, who have been known to occupy campus space as they return from their winter travels. Some students have claimed that the geese are aggressive, loud, and mean animals who exist solely to steal bread, honk loudly, and bite people’s ankles.

To be fair, the same argument could be made about small dogs and human babies, but for some reason, geese are the sole culprit in the aggressive food-stealing & ankle-biting industry. Some members of the Auraria campus, and the greater Denver community, see geese as invaders who take up spaces in parks, schoolyards, and fields.

Bill, a local goose who has frequented the Auraria Campus community, had this to say on the matter: “honk honk honk, honk honk, hiss, honk”. This roughly translates to “It’s really funny how humans accuse us of being invaders. Who put these buildings here? Who litters cigarette butts and plastic all over the park? That’s right. As for the bread stealing, what can I say? I have a lust for the crust.”

Other geese honked out that they are honestly just trying to live, and their aggressive friends don’t speak for the species as a whole. Lucy, another goose, backs this up with the familiar sentiment, “honk hooonk honk” or, “don’t judge a goose by its’ feathers.”

While it is understandable that some goose habits may be annoying to humans, it’s important to remember that Auraria Campus is a shared space. This applies not only to different humans but to different animals like squirrels, ducks, dogs, and-yes-geese. Next time one comes across a campus goose, remember that they are usually just there to chill out. Maybe even consider giving them a piece of bread.

April Fools.