How to handle unsightly guests
On the late evening of March 6, at the student housing residence of Trevor McDaniels, a group of CU Denver students experienced a tragedy all too common for students across the—actually it may have been the very early morning of March 7. Or, was that the night Kelly made everyone go to her fundraiser? OK, it may have been the night of March 8.
The point is Trevor McDaniels was having a great time entertaining guests inside the comfort of his own college residence. He had his guitar out and was playing “Cherry Wine” by Hozier for the fourth time in a row—some girls were even singing along—when some transfer student Orion said he knew from High School showed up and started playing Bladee on the living room TV speakers. He said his name was Connor, but that everyone calls him “E-Man” now.
“E-Man” basically dilapidated the vibe, at least in McDaniels’ opinion. After the iced out, 24 monthly listeners, MEIS major started loudly freestyle rapping with Thomas in the kitchen, McDaniels messaged The Sentry wondering what he could do to save his kickback. Well, Trevor, here are some options for the next time a SoundCloud rapper crashes the soirée:
- Tell him there might be some Xanax in the medicine cabinet (this will buy like ten minutes, or three hours if there actually is Xanax).
- Tell him there’s some Adderall in the medicine cabinet. If he doesn’t find any, send him on a wild goose chase around the various cabinets in the house.
- Sprits him with all-purpose cleaner (SoundCloud rappers HATE all-purpose cleaner).
- Send him an email claiming to be Playboi Carti and ask to buy a beat/collab.
- Rip out his nose ring.
- Tell him some friends who live down the street are doing stick and poke tattoos.
- Hold a bible upside down and chant “Crux sacra sit mihi lux!” (He will evaporate).
- Or, lastly, dangle a gold necklace in front of his face until he falls asleep.
This article is April Fool’s content.
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