Coronavirus is no match for Keith Richards

Keith Richards headed straight from the hospital to a performance.
Illustration: Jeremy Holder · The Sentry

Keith Richards survives coronavirus infection.

Keith Richards was released from the hospital earlier today after a shockingly short stay for a severe case of COVID-19. “I don’t understand,” a nurse who had collected his vitals explained, “I’ve never seen anyone his age recover so quickly… or any age for that matter.”

One of the doctors walking through the hospital’s entrance lobby heard what she thought was a severe asthma attack, but was actually just Richards’ mid-toke cackle. “You can’t smoke in here, sir,” she said. He laughed again. “Look, love, I’m just here to pick up a mate,” she recalled him saying. The alarming wheeze of his cough also rang in her memory—even for a religious smoker like himself.

After being checked in, his physician, Mr. Talksalot, said it was one of the most stressful walks of his life returning to Richards’ room after receiving his results. “How was I supposed to tell one of the greatest rockers of all time that his chances weren’t looking so good?”

Once Richards was given the news, he just let out another cackle: “If all those speedballs and a slip off a coconut tree wasn’t enough to kill me, this should be a stroll down the park.”

His doctor did not share his confidence. But if there’s one thing that hash, booze, cocaine, heroin, or any other lethal substance has learned—you can’t take on Richards, and it looks like Corona just made the list. Richards was dismissed on account of clear vitals the next day.

“Keith didn’t have Coronavirus,” Talksalot explained, “Coronavirus had Keith.” And it never stood a chance. The coronavirus can “Dream On,” because Keith Richards isn’t going anywhere.

This article is April Fool’s content.