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Astrology girls around the world: “I told you so.”

Illustration: Mazie Neill · The Sentry
Astrology girls have not responded to this apology.

An apology to the backbone of society

“I told you so,” said Mihkeighlah Moonstone, resident astrology girl on the CU Denver campus, echoing the sentiments expressed by every other quirky, Co-Star addicted hippie in the world. “The vibes were off.” 

Yes, Mihkeighlah, the vibes were off. Something was coming. Morrissey in Gatorade was especially dissociative this year. The moon did look weird for a few days. The energy did shift. And the world just played it off as a pseudoscientific vibe check. A drug-induced prophecy bearing too much resemblance to the tin-foil hat society and the 2012 doomsday crowd. But the astrology girls were right.  

When the astrology girls said that “Big things were coming,” the world assumed it was just another extremely vague, fear-mongering hallucinatory prophecy. When they said they saw visions of global catastrophe while drinking their kale-wheatgrass-oat-milk-cold brew, the world laughed it off, citing the excessive essential oils as the cause of brain damage. When they said they felt a great shift within the bowels of their souls, the world said it was probably just the day-old Taco Bell. But no, they were right. And so, astrology girls and boys and nonbinary folks, say it: “I told you so.” 

More than anything, this new, global crisis has shown that the astrology crew really is on a higher wavelength than the rest of society. No regular, lowly plebeian could have predicted that collectively, the world would be facing rapid global climate change, a global pandemic and the fall of capitalism all at once. Except environmental, medical and political scientists with PhDs and extensive, empirical data suggesting the decline of the world. But who cares about them: the astrology girls must be protected at all costs now that their prophecies have proven correct.  

So please, astrology folks: keep on crystalling, essential oiling and vibe checking the rest of society. We need it now more than ever.  

April Fools.

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