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The best of 2020 democratic presidential candidates

What to look forward to next year

Sanders visited Bernie Bros in Denver earlier this year.
Photo: Taelar Pollmann · The Sentry

Meet your 2020 Democratic candidates.

Elizabeth Warren: Presidential candidates should be judged primarily on the SNL cast’s ability to effectively pretend to be them on TV. Kate McKinnon has already perfected her performance as America’s father’s side (and favorite) aunt Liz ‘The Lizard’ Warren. A Warren presidency means seeing more Kate McKinnon on TV. Now that’s a more beautiful tomorrow. 

Cory Booker: In retaliation to having a president who can’t read, the people propose president Book-er. 

Andrew Yang: The supporters/fans of Andrew Yang call themselves the Yang Gang, an ok title. Kind of the most obvious option. 

But, sometimes the first idea that comes to mind is the best one. With this in mind, America would be a much nicer place to live in if it was no longer called America (or the USA or whatever), and was instead called “The Yang Gang.” Or, perhaps, ‘The Democratic Republic of Yang Gang Members.’ If Mr. Yang ran on this issue, of renaming the country, he’d have the election in his pocket. 

Joe Biden: One of Trump’s many hobbies includes referring to his political opponents by a jabby nickname. He bestowed Vice President Joe Biden with the name “Sleepy Joe Biden.” Perhaps he thought this name would disenfranchise the Democratic frontrunner. In fact, many Americans are sleepy. America is a very sleepy country. And America wants a president they can identify with. 

If Sleepy Joe has to take a few naps now and then, we won’t hold it against him. 

Pete Buttiegeg: Pete, Pete, Pete. Peter, you are merely a mere mayor. But, the current president is a trust-fundee with no political experience—at all. Perhaps a Peter as president wouldn’t be so bad. 

Hillary Clinton: America may once again be big chillin’ with chillary Clinton. The former candidate has hinted at tossing herself back into the no rules cage fight that is American politics. Maybe her vice president can be whoever runs the Wendy’s Twitter account. 

Bernie Sanders: A bit of an old guy, but not as old as the outdated American economic system. Bernie supporters are called “Bernie Bros.” Is that sexist? Not sure, but Bernie’s at the bottom of the list, just in case.

The Sentry hopes that, after reading this article, your election day decision is a bit easier.

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