Campus squirrels under fire for student harassment
Squirrels insist they need to use campus facilities too
In recent months, the Auraria Police Department has been receiving an excess amount of phone calls regarding students being harassed by the squirrels present on campus. Students claim they often fear for their safety walking between buildings on their way to class.
Auraria PD has released a statement in response to the harassment of students: “We realize the complaints that are being made about the squirrels here on campus. We are working closely with them to resolve this issue while still adhering to AHEC’s campus animal policy.”
Auraria Higher Education Center’s animal policy states that animals cannot be disruptive and must be restrained. “I’m just trying to get my degree like everyone else,” Rupert Cheeks, one of the squirrels on campus, stated when acknowledging the campus animal policy.
“I’m a paying student here like everyone else is, and I don’t think I or the other campus squirrels should be mistreated by other students because of the misbehaving Colfax squirrels making their way to 9th Street Park and onto campus,” Cheeks added.
In response to the campus squirrels’ accusations, Baby Nutz, a Colfax squirrel, responded, “We haven’t done anything wrong. We’re just trying to get some food from rich college students on that fancy campus. Ramen be always better than the trash we chew every day.”
While it’s unclear which squirrel (campus or Colfax) is harassing the rest of the students for food on campus, other students are certainly annoyed by the whole situation.
“I don’t understand why it’s okay for dogs to be on campus, but we’re being accused of harassing students on campus,” Rocky Chestnut responded. “They’re much larger and much more obnoxious than we are to other students.”
“I’ve been a student here for the last three years, and nothing has ever changed with the squirrels on campus, despite efforts to restrain them to AHEC’s animal policy in the recent months,” Molly Sienna, a biology major stated.
“It makes it really hard to sit outside of what was Fat Jacks and what is now Los Molinos. Whether I have food or I’m just outside studying to get some fresh air, I always have to fend off a slew of squirrels—and sometimes with a fork,” Sienna added.
“I’ve had to seek out a restraining order against the squirrels because the harassment has gotten so bad between my classes,” Cora Tate, an architecture major, stated. “I’m not allowed to eat in my classes, so I have to eat between on my way to my next class, and I’ve gotten chased into the North Building quite a few times because of it.”
It’s unclear at this point if anything will ever change with the squirrels harassing students on campus or if we’ll ever find out how the student squirrels are paying for their education here.
April Fools’ content