A.B.E. Investigations: The Sentry divorce

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Photo: Thayer Sindelar · *The Sentry*

What happened to the office?

Ladies and gentleman, the story you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

This is the city: Denver, Colorado. My name is Elmore. I’m a journalist. It’s my job to report to the people the truth, not the news.

On an unspecified day in the month of March 2019, Editor-in-Chief of The Sentry, Tessa Blair, noticed something strange. One of her copy editors, LeShaye Hernandez, better known by her co-workers as Shaye, was acting strange.

According to Ms. Blair, upon approaching Shaye, she discovered that Shaye was in the midst of a personal crisis. She was divorcing the man to whom she had only been married to for a brief time: Isaiah Mancha.

Once Blair contacted me, I was on the case immediately. The first stop: the desk of one Shaye Hernandez. The following is a transcription of our recorded conversation.

“I was just minding my own business serving divorce papers to the love of my life, Isaiah, when Holeesia swooped in on my soon-to-be ex-husband and my new side piece, John Mazzetta,” Shaye said. “These office people have no sense of boundaries or being faithful, so I made sure to put the court papers for all to see. Now I’ve happily moved on to my new boo, Abby, and we are currently waiting to rake in that beautiful alimony payoff from this godforsaken divorce.“

Later that day, after more conversation with Ms. Hernandez, I found the man in question, Isaiah, hanging around the bathroom behind The Sentry office.

When I asked for his side of the story, he told me the following:

“To be fair, I did nothing wrong. We got married for a reason: We love each other or at least loved each other. Shaye asked for so much, and even though it seemed her requests were at most ridiculous, I still tried my best to fulfill her needs. Even at Pitch Night, I got her pizza, so she wouldn’t leave her comfy red couch, which isn’t even that comfy, mostly because she kept it all to herself,” Mancha angrily expressed. “At least I have Jaleesia [Fobbs]. They’re the one keeping me sane since Shaye decided to get engaged to both John and Abby [Wehrman].”

The plot had now indeed thickened. Who was this Holeesia that destroyed Shaye and John’s soon-to-be union? Was she related to Jaleesia? If so, how? I knew she was the missing link.

In fact, now that I was thinking about it, I remembered someone else hanging around Shaye’s desk that afternoon, watching us suspiciously.

The next day, I headed back to The Sentry offices in the middle of downtown. I checked in with Ms. Blair on the phone to inform her of my progress, which she was shocked to learn about. She had also informed me that Jaleesia, Isaiah’s support system, was going to be in the office that day.

On the train ride, I called Abby Wehrman, Shaye’s new fiancée. Tessa had supplied me with her number.

The call was abrupt and over much sooner than I would have liked. Abby’s only comment was:

“Shaye wants me to be her babysitter and side piece. I’m fine with that. Honestly, I’m just happy to be included.”

A likely story.

Upon arriving at Tivoli, I could feel something was not right. I scoured the hot hallways of the large building. There seemed to be nobody there. The office itself was locked.

I walked around to the side hallway and peered in through the window and saw a body. Multiple bodies.

I smashed the window and jumped in. Jaleesia turned around and glared at me, but it wasn’t Jaleesia. Her eyes were glowing red. She was dressed almost like Princess Leia when she’s a prisoner of Jabba the Hut. Then I knew who it was: Holeesia.

Next to her on the floor was the body of a man.

[This is an intentional space to show passage of time]

Later, at the police station, I discovered the body belonged to Mr. Mazzetta, Shaye’s former almost-husband.

When asked why she did it, Jaleesia, whose eyes had now returned to normal and whose body was now clothed, said:

“Shaye and Isaiah were married, but Isaiah couldn’t keep up with Shaye’s incessant demands or handle her attitude. So, they filed for divorce, and among all of that, Shaye married me, Jaleesia. But Shaye couldn’t handle my ‘eccentric’ personalities, and I couldn’t handle her constant begging for me to buy her things she didn’t need, so Holeesia married John, while Jaleesia is still trying to repair her relationship with Shaye.

“Meanwhile, Shaye and John got married but swiftly filed for divorce just for Shaye to get engaged to Abby!

“All of this is happening while me, Jaleesia, is trying to help Isaiah through his divorce and get him back on his feet since Shaye took all of his money and dignity really.”

At last, I knew. I phoned Tessa, who came down to the station. She was again shocked to find out about not only Jaleesia’s alter-ego, Holeesia, but also the secrets of her employees.

Now, all is well. Until it won’t be.

*Bat signal illuminates the sky. In the distance, sirens*

April Fool’s content