The Plot Thickens
Pursuit of Happiness
I turned 20 last Friday. It’s an odd thing to say because, at least a little, it freaked me out. My dad wrote in my birthday card “Hope you enjoyed your childhood and teen years.” When I read that, I gave a nervous laugh and asked him why he would say such a thing. He told me because it was true. I am no longer a child.
Back in November, I was hit with the realization that I would soon be entering a new decade of my life. This thought scared me because I felt unsatisfied. “This isn’t how it was supposed to be,” I said in between my tears on the night unhappiness was completely overwhelming.
I didn’t imagine that college was going to be as hard for me as it was. It feels like pretty much everyone tells you that college is so much better than high school, that it’s the best years of your life. My dad told me that once; I vividly remember when he did. I believed him. Then, after moving to Colorado, I stumbled into a series of increasingly harder decisions, including but not limited to what has been the worst half year of my life.
Though this past year I’ve made my best grades of college, I have also been going through endless roommate drama, find myself lying about how I’m doing to most everyone, and have begun transitioning friend groups… for the third time since college began. I shouldn’t have such a hard time maintaining a healthy social life and having adult relationships. I should be making better films. I shouldn’t be so upset about not being the next editor-in-chief. I should have a professionally published piece of writing on my resume. I should be enjoying film school.
College was not supposed to be this hard. It was not billed as such, and I want to sue for false advertising.
Since that night in November, I have begun to try and turn things around. It’s a lot more physically and emotionally exhausting than hating yourself, but it’s working. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still dead tired and nothing is near perfect, but I think I’ve repaired the relationships that mattered the most to me. I’m beginning to like film school again, and maybe, just maybe, over spring break I’ll do some more writing.
If this is what it’s like to be in your 20s, then I’m unprepared for that challenge but have no choice in facing it, so we’ll see how this goes.