Call of the Void
Work in progress
I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf and try to be non-judgmental. This isn’t a delayed New Year’s resolution but rather an awakening I had (last night) in an altercation with my roommate.
While I won’t disclose her name, the event leading up to my decision unfolded something like this: She brought over a boy who I assumed was her friend. We exchanged greetings, and he saw my messy room and sickly appearance (not the point), and it wasn’t a big deal. The next day she texted me something along the lines of, “Thanks for being cool around my date,” and to that, I was kind of thrown off. When I spoke to her about it later that evening, she said she didn’t want to tell me she was bringing him over because they met on a dating app and assumed I would judge her for it. I, bewildered, told her that I would’ve cared a little bit more about her safety while out on a date with a stranger than judge her for where they met and that she could’ve just told me.
But it was from this altercation that I interpreted this: My friends are literally putting themselves in danger because I make them feel shitty about their life decisions. And perhaps that’s being a little dramatic, but this isn’t the first time this has happened (but I’ll save that for another column). While I didn’t think of it much then, this incident in particular really hit home for me for some reason.
I won’t deny that I am the most judgmental person I know. I just feel like people who don’t do things my way are wrong. But I know I’m in the wrong thinking that way. I blame this in due part to the strict way I was raised and how any deviation from the narratives my mother taught me about values and morals is probably wrong. Am I blaming my mother for my shitty character? Yeah, but at least I’m not blaming it on a fucking horoscope.
Case in point: I’m trying to be a better person. I’m trying to be more open, and it’s going to take time, and I’m asking you all to bear with me. Or don’t because at the end of the day it’s my journey.