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The Plot Thickens

Photo: Genessa Gutzait · The Sentry

The Healing Process

There’s a scene very close to the end of Call Me By Your Name in which the main character’s father tells Elio, the 17-year-old protagonist, to let himself feel his emotions.

I would argue that it was this scene alone which made me love Call Me By Your Name and made it one of my favorite films of 2017. I also want to point out that it is a crime that Michael Stuhlbarg, who plays Elio’s father, was not nominated for an Oscar for his elegant, understated performance.

This scene always makes me want to cry. My eyes water up, and I turn into a muddled ball of emotions. I’ve seen the film three times now and I still feel that way every time I watch it.

In the scene, Stuhlbarg says, “We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 and have less to offer each time we start with someone new.”

I don’t think I’ve ever heard a line that resonates with me more.

Over the summer, I broke up with my boyfriend. It was painful, of course, but more than that, it was incredibly messy. So much stuff happened and continued to happen once I returned to Denver in August that I found myself stuck in a place where I didn’t know what to do. I made mistakes. Lots of them.

In my first relationship, I got back with my ex only a few days after breaking up because I was such an emotional wreck. I didn’t give myself time to figure out how I really felt. This time I did. I waited. I’m still waiting.

But during all this waiting, I find myself wondering what to do. I obviously don’t want to make more mistakes and hurt myself or others. I can safely say I’ve done that enough.

I keep thinking things can’t get worse, then they do. Some of it is my fault, and some of it isn’t. Some of it is because of my breakup, and some of it is just general mess that I can’t escape.

So, I am writing this to tell myself that I’m sorry, and that it’s okay. I’ve just got to give myself time, no matter how long it takes.

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