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Satire: Alex Jones vs Marco Rubio

Illustration: Genessa Gutzait• The Sentry

The Absolute Weirdest Fight of All Time

Unless people have been living under a rock for the past couple of weeks, they would know that this is one of the weirdest times to be alive. People are living inside of the “How could it get any worse?” trope. The one where a character says, “How could it get any worse?” And then it starts to rain or a piano falls on them or something. And although from some points of view things may not be getting worse, from all points of view, things are certainly getting weirder. 

Marco Rubio and Alex Jones got into a fight on Wednesday, Sept. 5.

In one corner, we have Marco Rubio, a Florida senator best known for running for Republican presidential nominee in 2016 and getting yelled at by high schoolers.  In the other corner, we have Alex Jones, famous right-wing conspiracy theorist who got permanently kicked off Twitter.

So, it’s a pretty fair fight.

Sen. Rubio was speaking to reporters outside of a Senate Intelligence Committee hearing that was trying Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg and Twitter’s Jack Dorsey, when none other than InfoWars’ Alex Jones sauntered on up to him.

It wasn’t clear at first what Jones was upset about, but it was obvious he was upset and began his tirade by speaking over several reporters. He called Rubio a hypocrite for trying Sandberg and Dorsey about the instability in the 2016 election, claiming that “the Democrats are purging conservatives.” This could be a reference to Jones’ show, InfoWars, being blocked from certain websites due to offensive content. 

Rubio awkwardly tried to save face by ignoring Jones’ heckling completely and continuing to speak to the reporters, but Jones was ruthless in his attack.

“Frat boy!” He called to Rubio— a truly low blow. That seemed to be the final straw for Rubio, who looked Jones in the eye and said, “I don’t even know you.”

The audience of reporters watched in horror as Alex Jones placed a hand on Rubio’s shoulder.

Rubio: Don’t touch me.

Jones: I’ll get arrested?

Rubio: I’ll take care of it myself.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in the room where Sen. Marco Rubio threatened to beat up famous internet meme Alex Jones.

Jones continued, still, to heckle Rubio as the senator again tried to answer the reporter’s question, which everyone else had long forgotten.

“Snake!” Jones taunted.

“Frat boy!” He said again.

He ended the confrontation with arguably the favorite insult of the afternoon, “Little gangster thug!” It was surreal, to say the least.

So, the real question now is this: who took the L? On one hand, Alex Jones’ insults were weird and not that well-thought out, but he was brave to confront a famous senator on his own territory. On the other hand, Marco Rubio kept it cool and collected at first, but then he threatened to beat someone up, so there’s that. 

Frankly, no one won this fight. It’s just too strange. So, let’s all give it up for both of the losers of the weirdest fight ever: Sen. Marco Rubio and Alex Jones. 

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