Woman sells child for Hamilton tickets

Anything for a ticket

We respectfully ask our customers to avoid engaging in human trafficking to acquire Hamilton tickets,” the Buell Theater said in an email sent out to Denver Performing Arts Center subscribers Wednesday morning. “Even though the mother who sold her baby for an obstructed view ticket said it was worth it, we must advise simply entering the lottery for front row seats. Similarly to your unpurchased children, this lottery will likely disappoint you every single day, but it only marginally affects your odds of getting sent to federal prison.”

The Buell’s email, of course, is a response to the well-publicized story of love, loss, and a Sentry reporter who can neither condemn nor condone the sale of a Denver woman’s infant child (whose life will likely be too unremarkable to warrant a musical biography) for a $295 ticket to Hamilton (a show that’s literary value has transcended the Broadway stage and will certainly become a canonical text for centuries to come).

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The woman’s husband strolls through Denver’s quiet uptown streets at a melancholy pace. His hair has gone gray, and he walks the length of the city before responding to The Sentry’s request for comment. “It’s a suffering too terrible to name,” the man said, once a father, who wishes to remain unnamed. “I just don’t understand why she didn’t try to get me a ticket, too.” He went on to say he will not be joining the fan-led protests demanding the exoneration of his wife.

Michael Flores, a local business owner attending one such protest, has strong thoughts about the woman’s decision to barter her child for a ticket. “It’s kind of ridiculous. She should have had a baby two years ago and splurged on a ticket to see the original Broadway cast. The tour? It’s second-tier. But yeah, I’d do the same if I could.”

“I’ll be Donald Trump’s next Stormy Daniels for one of those tickets,” said Sara Khatri, another protester. “And I really can’t tell you how much it pains me to say that.”

*CONTENT FROM THE APRIL FOOL’S ISSUE*