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STRANGER THAN FICTION

President Trump has done well to capture his voice on social media. Twitter has become the President’s go-to soapbox. Yet, I fear Americans are forgetting perhaps the best policy he has ever shared with us on the web way back in October 2012.

Photo: Bobby Jones

“Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again–just watch. He can do much better!” The President went on to respond to his base, “Robert I’m getting a lot of heat for saying you should dump Kristen- but I’m right. If you saw the Miss Universe girls you would reconsider.”

Indeed, many people expected the conversation to end there; in true form, Trump elected to further the debate. “So many tweets & stories on Stewart/Pattinson Look, it doesn’t matter—the relationship will never be the same. It is permanently broken.” Seeing that the argument he had presented was foolproof he saw to it that, “Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.” Lovingly, Trump offered his final support to Pattinson by offering up this gem, “After Friday’s Twilight release, I hope Robert Pattinson will not be seen in public with Kristen—she will cheat on him again!”

This happened, and nothing in this world makes me happier than that. Immediately before and after the release of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2, the President berated two young actors and their personal lives in order to try and save Robert’s feeble heart.

IMDb described the film as being, “After the birth of Renesmee/Nessie, the Cullens gather other vampire clans in order to protect the child from a false allegation that puts the family in front of the Volturi.” I can say with zero sarcasm that I understand exactly none of this description. Trump, however, failed to see past the cultural relevance of this film and blew right to blaming women for failed relationships among young Hollywood stars. Then he became President.

I love 2012 Trump more than I care to admit. Oh boy did that love not translate into the modern era of his presidency. Alas, I dream of the day he’ll utilize his free time and Twitter handle to harass young lovers again.

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