Record played backwards summons Satan

Satan gives exclusive press conference

There was once a time when rock ‘n’ roll was actually considered the devil’s music, and in 2018, that sentiment is back with a hellfire-like vengeance. A CU Denver student, Damien Thorn, had an unexpected experience with the third studio album, To Hell With The Devil, by Christian heavy metal band Stryper.

Stryper gained their following in Orange County, California peaking in the late 1980s. These God-rockers have been relatively forgotten, but this incident may bring them back into the spotlight. Thorne played the album backwards, revealing a nefarious message that literally summoned the devil.

In many albums, bands and producers “backmask” their songs so that when the album is played backwards it will reveal a hidden message. It seems that this God-loving band knowingly, or unknowingly, used this production method to summon the devil himself.

“I didn’t really know what to expect,” Thorn said. “I heard that some older albums have some weird messages when you play them backwards, but I didn’t expect this Stryper album to actually summon the devil.”

The Prince of Darkness, having finally returned to the earthly plane, had quite the agenda to spread in his brief time on Auraria Campus. The fallen angel himself took to the Tivoli Turnhalle, and not so surreptitiously held an impromptu press conference for himself. With quite a surprising turnout, it’s unknown whether the attendees were participating voluntarily.

“Would you please stop sacrificing goats to me. I’m not running a fucking dairy farm down here,” Satan said. With the popularization of heavy metal in the past few decades, animal sacrifice has been a trend among Satan worshippers.

He continued through his agenda, which was apparently scrawled on skin-like parchment, in between adjusting his glasses which seemed to be made from…bone? “They were a personal gift from Versace,” Satan later confirmed.

Satan then went on to ostensibly attempt to recruit the student body, preaching the benefits of hell. He even summoned an associate demon, Gary Bunda, to talk about the benefits of Hell.

“The days are long, you work really hard with really no pay off, but you know, Hell really isn’t that bad once you get used to the heat,” Bunda said.

To Hell With The Devil, which was a Grammy-nominated album, ironically preaches about the teachings of the lord and the evils of Satan—the album cover even depicts three long-haired angels, armed with guitars, throwing the devil back into the fiery pits of hell.

When an attendee asked of Satan’s sordid relationship with God, Satan illuminated the audience on his side of the story.

“I was God’s best friend, okay,” Satan said. “Until he damned me from Heaven, but you know, now I’m living my best life in Hell.”

It’s still unclear how this Christian band was able to summon Lucifer himself, and Stryper’s representative has still not made a statement on the matter.

In a seemingly candid and touching moment, Satan expressed that he really is just like everyone else.

“You know,” Satan said. “Everyone says ‘Hail Satan’ but no one asks, ‘How’s Satan?”

April Fools.