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Recent discovery reveals Kardashian secret

Kardashians likely asexually reproducing

Photo courtesy of Bustle

The ever-shifting nature of the contemporary social world has caused many a rift among celebrities. Some have managed to rise to the never-before-seen heights of vanity, reaching incredibly broad amounts of people. There is perhaps no greater example of this success than that achieved by the Kardashian family and media empire.

The Kardashian fandom is far-reaching and deeply-rooted. Kim, the spear’s edge of the family’s marketing, claimed in 2016 that between 8 and 9 million people watched her daily Snapchat stories. The premiere of that year’s Keeping Up With the Kardashians drew in approximately 3.2 million viewers.

The Kardashians cornucopia of public image proliferating on platforms has only expanded, as the family has begun to tap into micro-transaction-based mobile games and ill-fated clothing companies.

The rapid expansion of the Kardashian name with the birth of three new Kardashians just in the past year, and one on the way, has raised some eyebrows in the scientific community. CU Denver biology students began studying the patterns that emerged in filmed interactions between family members. “It was a lot of staring at stupid reality TV,” Poppy Jokovic, a junior Biology major, said. “Really, I felt like there were zero ways in which we could gather any sort of significant findings from the show; but, then it was like WHAM! The Kardashians are a massive algae colony!”

The family has indeed been discovered as being one massive microbial pile of identical algae DNA, constantly reproducing itself into more and more Kardashians. “It is the only rational explanation to their ability to have so many projects working at the same time,” Taps McCalmtip, a senior Communications major, said. “If the hive mind that connects their cells deems a future social-media-related market ripe for exploitation, the rest of their bodies pursue this opportunity relentlessly. This easily explains the massive influx of both Kardashians and social media platforms they dominate recently.”

The Kardashians are at much higher risk of experiencing a disease or virus that could wipe their ever-expanding existence than vertebrates.

*CONTENT FROM APRIL FOOL’S ISSUE*

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