The Minority Report | Kim

After a lot of consideration and life-long trauma, I have decided that I will be changing my entire name to Kim. Just Kim. No first, middle, or last name. Just a name—my name. I know this might be confusing to some people, but just trust me; it’s for the best.

For some reason, my parents thought it would be a good idea to give me two first names. I find it very rude that they didn’t consult me prior to deciding what my name would be, or rather, names. Little did they know that they wasted their time thinking about what my first name would be, since most people completely ignore it anyway.

While I appreciate my parents’ sentiments, their efforts have been found to be completely useless, especially here in America. My parents picked out an “American” name for me because they knew that people would have trouble pronouncing my Korean name—which I will not disclose because I am getting really annoyed of my American friends swearing that they’ll be the one to finally pronounce my Korean name correctly. Like, just shut up. You’re not special.

People seem to forget that Ashley is even a name at all, especially when coupled with Kim. I thought it was because people didn’t see my first name—that was until someone actually thought my name was Kim Ashley.

Kim is one of the most popular surnames for Koreans, but Americans seem to forget that—even after they’ve asked me if I’m related to a Sam Kim they went to elementary school with, or an Emily Kim that was on their swim team seven years ago.

The mistake most commonly happens in emails, even though my signature (which I spent a lot of time on), indicates my name very clearly. Ashley. Kim. ASHLEY BEFORE KIM!!!!!!!!! DO PEOPLE NOT KNOW HOW TO READ?

Do people think I accidentally wrote my name wrong? Since this happened rather frequently, I was always excited when it didn’t happen for a few hours. But, As soon as I think I’m free from the aching shackles of my last name, an illiterate pleib strikes again. Their selective sight takes over common sense, and they ignore my first name completely, calling me Kim in an e-mail.

Anyway, please do not call me Ashley anymore. Call me Kim. From now on, I will go by Kim and Kim only.

*APRIL FOOLS CONTENT*