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CU Denver lizard people conspiracy

The life supply of gargantuan proportions

Once more, campus springs back into action and Teague Bohlen awaits the filing in of refreshed students to regenerate his sustenance.  Last year, The Sentry debuted the shapeshifting lizard associate professor of Creative Writing who hails from Alpha Draconis.  His magnum opus, The Pull of the Earth, stole the hearts and souls of thousands of readers as they succumbed to his power drain one word at a time. 

Photo: Erica Barillari • The Sentry

Since spring break a year ago, an unknown force has been interfering with Bohlen’s supply of ignoramus mammalians the campus cesspool attracts. No longer does his clairvoyance streamline into a laser guided power drain as he makes eye contact with each student in his classes. Unable to locate the source of the interference, he knew it could only mean one thing: Pleiadians.  He has nearly lost all his gifts: wittiness, writing skills, and worst of all, his human skin suit no longer shines with human gleam. Too scared of the repercussions to notify the mothership that he was losing in the intergalactic takeover of Earth, and too ashamed to call for backups from the underground reptilian lairs dotting the planet, Bohlen presses on to locate the protagonist—then deal with him by himself.

George chose a new seat in the front row of Professor Bohlen’s boring class. He had been briefed on the succubus nature of reptilian betas from the memory module left in his cocoon when he crash landed in Massachusetts on universal date, Ayyar 10, 5773.  As the last male of his species, he was the last chance to save the primate masses of Earth from exploitation. In his first test of prowess, he emerged victorious over the hypnotic anakim Talec, but at great costs.  After years in seclusion basking in the high mountain air with his soulmate Ann Darrow, George primatus kong has returned to stalk the reptilian overlords of the lowlands once more.

Entering university at CU Denver hot on the trail of one such overlord, George quickly discovered he was no match for the monolithic legion of betas entrenched there. Thanking the telepathic nature of his primordial inheritance, his family picked up his S.O.S. and sent a capsule from Taygeta, the star system of the Kongs. The capsule arrived disguised by the recent super blue blood moon and landed behind George’s house. Noting the similar markings from his original capsule, he touched the symbols only to be fumigated by a green, genetically modifying pollutant.  In short order, his metamorphosis into his true nature as the gargantua megaprimatus kong rex was complete. Fortunately, reptilians are not the only shapeshifters concealed among the masses; Kongs are as well, but are much more aesthetically pleasing with blonde hair and blue eyes.

As the intergalactic planetary battle the Beastie Boys informed Earthlings about continues, students can now focus on bettering their planet with the knowledge that King Kong is absorbing the energy drain meant for the sheeple. The King’s altruistic mammalian nature will drain the life force of Teague Bohlen completely; afterward, he will seek out their swarm and save planet Earth as one nation under sapiens.

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