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Most human professor

CONFIRMED TO NOT BE A LIZARD

After numerous reports from students and staff alike suggesting otherwise, English professor and Chair of the Creative Writing Department at CU Denver Teague Bohlen has been confirmed to be a very real human being whose day-to-day activities consist of those which humans would do.

English student Allie Hartman said of Bohlen, “There were days I wasn’t really sure in the truth be told. I am almost certain that I’ve seen his eyes blink vertically like a snake. He once hissed at one of my colleagues after he mentioned that he favored bipedal movement. But he insists he is totally of this species, so who am I to doubt?”

Bohlen also is responsible for overseeing the wellbeing and internal components of The Sentry, where he serves as the faculty advisor. “Once, I was working a late night in the office and I began hearing a sound like porcelain breaking in the walls. This sound was followed by the echoes of rustling, like something was moving,” Design Editor Jeremy Holder said. “Right when these sounds became intensifying, Teague burst into the room possessing an animalistic rage in his eyes as he began pulling these massive, green eggs from behind the wall I was sitting at. When I asked him what he was doing, he said, ‘Just taking care of my real daughter’s project for the science fair.’ He then proceeded to nervously slither out of the room. Definitely a weird interaction but you can’t fault him for being a family man,” Holder said.

Bohlen continues to inspire and motivate the students of CU Denver to be the absolute best they can be. “It’s important for humans to continue to breed on such a massive scale,” Bohlen said. “That way, once what you refer to as the apocalypse comes you will feel an overwhelming sense of loss as those you hold dearest are systemically plucked away from your grasp.” Another moving statement from the professor.

By Matthew Kriese

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