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Top types of people for the 2017 music festival season

AND WHY THEY SUCK

Photo// Sarai Nissan

Festival season is just around the corner, and with that summer heat comes all of the subhumans right along with it. Love it or hate it, music festivals like Riot Fest, Warped Tour, Coachella, and the like are the breeding grounds for every type of festival goer.

First and foremost, you have the flower crown girls. Yes, this was trendy at Coachella four years ago but these gals (or guys) just won’t let it die. They are probably still obsessed with Lana Del Rey and claim that “Summertime Sadness” is their own personal anthem because it just “really speaks to them.”

Perhaps the obnoxiously hyper-masculine counterpart to the flower crown people are the macho-bros who most certainly showed up at the festival with their shirt already off. They are mostly there to get drunk, show off their muscles, inappropriately touch people, and proceed to get escorted off of the premises.

Another staple festival-goer is the cultural appropriator deonning a Native American headdress, and various mixed and matched culturally significant acessories.Nine-and-a-half times out of 10, these people are aggressively white. But not to worry, these festival goers will treat this relic with the ultimate amount of respect and will probably bury it in their closet only to be unburied for the next festival or racially insensitive Halloween costume.

Last but not least is the music journalist. They con any attendee into sounding like a blithering idiot (which they probably are) and use a plethora of quotes completely out of context to make the event seem much better—or much worse—than it actually was for their readers’ enjoyment the following morning.

Sarai Nissan
Sarai Nissan

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