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Teague Bohlen

EATING- UH, TEACHING- ENGLISH STUDENTS

Photo// Chris Caldwell

As campus springs back into the warm embrace of the season, students seem to still wallow in a post-break stupor. The perpetual drain of classwork has always followed students into the dying weeks of the year, which is exactly why faculty like Teague Bohlen serve as such a healthy example for the stumbling masses of the university.

Teague Bohlen is a creative writing associate professor, freelance novelist, and the faculty advisor of the Sentry. He couples an impossibly busy lifestyle with a relentless passion for what he is involved with. When asked about how he manages such stress, he had a ready answer: “It’s simple,” Bohlen said. “I consume the life-force of the mindless primate masses.”

Bohlen has been published in numerous nationally recognized journals including the South Dakota Review, Waccamaw Review, and Terrain.org. It is undeniable that the quality of his fiction can only be described as otherworldly. “Indeed, I first began to master my craft in the Alpha Draconis star system wherein, of course, lies the civilization of lizard people who have quietly transcended the whole of mankind over the course of the past few millennia,” Bohlen said.

It is impossible to praise the successes of Bohlen without first appreciating his magnum opus, the deliciously written The Pull of the Earth (2006). The novel centers around two main characters who both have to choose between asking difficult questions about the nature of their reality, accepting the complications of their lives, and ignoring the pain of their particular situations. “It is really metaphorical to the importance of convincing humans to behave exactly in the set norms of their pathetic existence,” Bohlen said. “Deviation outside of these norms will result in the consumption of the individual’s blood and energy as per the law of the ancient Annunaki.”

The Pull of the Earth has done much to impress the literary world, winning the prestigious Colorado Book Award. “It was not difficult to brainwash the landed literary elite of this species,” Bohlen said. “I mostly focused on consuming the memories of those who doubted my power. Once they were rendered useless, my ascent to the throne of the literary world became unstoppable.”

Bohlen has faced much hardship to get to where he is today. When asked to describe the most difficult aspects of his life, Bohlen responded with his trademark humor. “It’s not as easy to slip into a man-suit as contemporary liars in the media will tell you,” Bohlen said. “Being surrounded by these warm-blooded beasts every day is hell enough for me. They can consider themselves lucky they provide me with necessary sustenance.”

Yet, he continues to persevere. Let his rigor serve as model for all struggling students of CU Denver. “Your suffering will fuel our inter-dimensional invasion of this lush rock you call home,” encourages Bohlen. “Resistance is more than futile. In more ways than not, you are all already slaves to our superior species. Consider this the beginning of the end.”

Always prolific, always humorous. Remember Bohlen next time classes start catching up with you and carry on.

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