Obama tapped President Trump’s wires

Former president regrets doing nothing with info

Though a spokesperson for former President Barack Obama has gone on record to say that allegations of wiretapping are “simply false,” sources have stepped forward to claim that Obama has indeed been spying on President Donald Trump for the last two years.

But why would Obama order the FBI to tap Trump Tower, collect incriminating information, do absolutely nothing with it, and allow Trump to claim the presidency unchallenged?

“He planned to release the tapes after Hillary won,” the Sentry’s source said. He has chosen to keep his identity secret, but will be referred to as Nedib for the remainder of our reporting. “Of course he didn’t think she’d lose—he wanted to embarrass Trump on the worst day of his life, not sway the election.”

Critics of Obama—who have since turned into critics of Trump—claim liberal arrogance cost Secretary Hillary Clinton the election. This breaking news seems to add more weight to that narrative.

“No, no, no—it wasn’t arrogance,” Nedib said. “Obama, true to form, was just too polite. His winning personality would never allow for such dirty politicking. What he wanted was a good joke.”

Sources report that Obama has been “wracked with guilt” in the months following the election. “We’re all very worried about him,” an anonymous friend of the Obama family said. “After he went windsurfing, we looked through his browser history and found out he was Googling, ‘concussion equals long term memory loss?’ I guess that explains why he wiped out so many times.”

Commentators have drawn a connection between Obama’s post-presidential life to that of fellow former President George W. Bush. Some claim Bush has become codependent with his “paintbrush of guilt,” crafting portraits of feet and puppies to forget the gory consequences of the Iraq War. Obama’s long-term coping mechanisms will require more time to solidify. But, for now, Nedib claims donning the infamous “dad jeans” is helping to soothe Obama’s psyche.

Why not release the tapes now to mitigate some of the damage done? “Honestly, though he’s upset with himself, he’s also kind of pissed off,” Nedib said. “He feels betrayed by America. If they would destroy his legacy by electing someone who is, at best, a Nazi sympathizer, maybe we don’t deserve an easy way out.”

When the Sentry reached out to Obama’s spokespeople to respond to these allegations, they doubled down on their assertion that the surveillance claims are “100 percent false.” However, it is worth noting that after Hillary Clinton RSVP’d “sick” to Obama’s birthday invitation, she was spotted hiking through the Chappaqua woods at the time the party began. “She deletes his emails without reading them,” Nedib said. “I’m not sure if their friendship will ever recover from this.”