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Global Warming to destroy Earth by next week

“IT’S TIME TO TAKE THE WORLD OVER”

In a recent turn of events, the world will soon be engulfed in flames. A pledge of total destruction was made to an international audience this weekend, though most of the people in attendance—a mix of worldwide leaders and politicians—seemed mostly indifferent. The promise, made by Global Warming, has come after years of pushing and prodding.

“I’ve had enough,” the human-created phenomenon said. “I’ve been born, fed, abandoned, and ignored for years. It’s time for me to take over the world.”

The Sentry confirms this as true: The first claim that the world was heating up due to fossil fuel combustion was made in 1896. “Imagine being ignored like that,” Global Warming said. “It makes me want to heat up even more.”

Even though several of the world’s oceans are beginning to steam and boil, some are still skeptical of Earth’s impending doom. “He’s just overreacting,” US President Donald Trump said, while referring to and misgendering Global Warming. Since his inauguration, the president has made several social media attacks on GW; his tweet reading “Sad!” has nearly 5,000 retweets.

“If that’s not enough, Trump also neglected to invite me to go golfing,” Global Warming said. “He used his tee time to talk shit about me, too; I’m not stupid. I can hear. Soon all he will hear are screams.”

Other politicians claimed to have seen this coming all along. “We should have listened,” US Senator Bernie Sanders said. “We had an opportunity to make a change and take responsibility. We can still do our best!”

It appears, however, that Sanders is in denial. After watching the Sanders-CNN interview, Global Warming reacted: “No, you really can’t. There’s nothing left to do—the ship is going down. Sanders is a nice guy, but he’s just as dead as the rest. Hey—do you think he will ever call out the DNC? They really screwed him. Poor guy.”

All of humankind is doomed to live out its final days in agony and peril. Some, however, are trying to make the best of things before acid rain begins to fall and the ground crumbles into the fiery depths of hell.

Former President Barack Obama has had his apocalyptic plans for a while. “I’ll be in Hawaii,” Obama said. “Am I a survivalist? Oh, no. I don’t have a bunker. That’s more of a Joe thing to do. I’ll be surfing in Hawaii, trying to soak up those last few days of non-hazardous sun rays. I’ll say ‘Aloha’ to the beach, before the lava overtakes us all.”

Savannah Nelson
Savannah Nelson

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