Bork Bork Bork // Bones

This is Bones McCoy of the U.S.S. Enterprise, reporting from the inside of my kennel because I just had my balls ripped out of my body and I’m not allowed to leave the apartment.

This has been the worst week of my short life. I was kidnapped and drugged, after which I woke up lacking both my manhood and my dignity. I’ve been forced to wear a cone around my neck, so I’m not even granted the courtesy of being able to lick my own ass. My human keeps throwing toys into spaces I can’t reach because of my cone and then laughing when I voice my displeasure.

As an upstanding dog citizen and dutiful employee to my human, I am offended and appalled by this treatment. I am publicly humiliated daily when my human forces me to use the bathroom outside in plain sight, but my disgrace is threefold with this cone around my neck. Other humans point and laugh at me.

I am not allowed to chase pigeons. I am not allowed to run and jump. I am not allowed play ball. I have not seen my best friend, Prince Charming of Espresso the golden retriever, in days. I have been forced into sick leave from my job with no compensation of treats or pets.

I am trying not to take my displeasure out on my human, but I am not sure they understand how uncomfortable it is to suddenly be lacking a Very Important Organ. I no longer gain pleasure from the emotional embrace of humping a pillow. It feels like there is an empty space in both my scrotum and my heart.

I can only hope that in time I will recover from this wound in both the physical and emotional sense. I am sure that I will be able to forgive my human, too; but I expect some good treats and not to be called “garbage puppy” on a regular basis.

Perhaps it’s too much to ask. Oh well. If anything, I can always pee on my human’s pillow in revenge.

Again.